Archive for: May 2007

“I–I know what you’re thinking, believe me, I…I do: Why in the world would a civilized, up-town man of the millennium such as myself even go ahead and give a good rat’s ass about whether a bunch of snot-nosed baby docs were afraid of him. Right? Well, unfortunately the only way I know how to teach is through fear.”

“First off, let me just say…thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let’s face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies. And that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn’t even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do? I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outta here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.”

“So I…I’m pretty much thinking it’s time to get the fear back. And I’m sorry, but I think life is just too short to spend your time working someplace where people don’t crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.”

“Not one resident showed up. Not one. Would you like to know why? Because they’re not scared of me anymore. And I blame you. Yes. You have turned me into this soft, emotionally open, pathetic freak at home, and now it’s starting to bleed over into work.”

“Honestly, I haven’t been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard…. But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth…. And…th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they’d ever seen.”

“I didn’t do anything. No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing. And right then, I figured out what’s different. I figured out what that feeling was that I was having in the park the other day with my family. I’m…happy. Now does that not just make you sick?”

“Morning, class. As residency director, it is my pleasure to have both Surgical and Medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room we have enough brain power to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws!”

“God help me, Sluggo, if you get any more buff, I’ll be absolutely sure that you’re gay!”

“I just can’t believe how comfortable I’ve gotten talking to you over these last few months. I mean, look, I’d still be with my old shrink if I hadn’t cut across the park the day of the renaissance faire and realized that the man I tell my innermost secrets to likes to…likes to put on a big, giant beard and make pretend that he is a blacksmith.”

“Oh, that’s funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice!”