Archive for: August 2007

“Maybe it’s because she’s really in love with me, and together we injected you with diabetes to very slowly get you out of the picture. Or maybe it’s because I really liked her, but she didn’t exactly feel the same way about me and I got the forehead kiss after spending ninety stinkin’ dollars on theater tickets. Or maybe - and this is a huge outside maybe - maybe she knows that you’re the kind of person who freaks out over irrelevant things from the past. Personally, I hope it’s all three.”

“In the brief eighteen months that Jordan and I weren’t together, how many of you had your way with her? Bear in mind, I’m gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you. - Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position…it’s long overdue, but thank you.”

“So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths - happy ending optional, his choice, not yours.”

“Does “hang out” mean choke you?”

“You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.”

“I’m talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Here, Pee-Pants is a pathologist, so he doesn’t count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for “fake doctor,” and please don’t even get me started on you four surgeons.”

“Ooh, Bar-bye! You are up there without a net this time! Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn’t, sure shootin’ you’re gonna be hearing Bob Kelso’s voice saying “sweetheart, I told you so” from now until you are two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.”

“Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game. And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box has ever made it through a shift without saying “Oh my God, oh, my God, did you see what happened last night on America’s Fattest Fatties? A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!” Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go, go. Chop chop!”

“Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me!”

“I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.”