Archive for: August 2007

“…now I want more. I–I really do. I want to talk about things. Not - not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don’t want to talk about everything. For instance I don’t need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a - as a family. And I know… I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I’m a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says “I want to be a couple that communicates more openly.” –>

“Jordan, let me talk for a second. I’ve been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my T.V. screen. And I…I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.” –>

“I’m sorry, my son is taking…is taking ballet? Come on, Jordan, he’s already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp. If we stick him in the tights, well, we might as well just go ahead and get him a timeshare on Fire Island.” –>

“Jordan, why aren’t you more upset about this? I, honest to God, I don’t get it. I mean, normally you’d go to your mother’s for a bitch refresher course, and then you’d come right back here just swinging for the fences.” –>

“I got a vasectomy. Do not tell Jordan!” –>

“SHE’S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT’S BLUE! SHE’S NOT PREGNANT! IT’S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!!” –>

“You’re finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who’s better than you - and I’m bettin’ that you do? - you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I’m thinkin’ that’s just about it. Yep. I, uh, gosh, I’m all out of speeches. I don’t think I have, uh, another one on me. I…I don’t. The - Oh. These are…my goodbye guns.” –>

“..your guilty anguish is - it’s delicious. It’s like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it’s all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.” –>

“He’s done it! He’s done it! Dorian’s the Most! Annoying! Man in the World!” –>

“Did you feel that you weren’t quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you’re the number one contender for the middle weight annoyance crown.” –>