Archive for: January 2008

“So he’s green. Don’t beat yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he’s gotten stitches, cut his own hair, and eaten over four dollars in change. Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don’t I?”

“Well, I suppose it’s because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and…slimy.”

“There-there are actually many things in life that I’ve yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why - and I’m not complaining - women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds it makes them do this: Get back in there!But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out - and soon - is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they’re falling from the sky.”

“Hate to burst your bubble, there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it’s roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.”

” Because I told him to. And I know what you’re thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I’ve invited Laverne’s church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.”

” Now I’m going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I’m gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.”

“In victory, I get your stethoscope. It’s a trophy. You’re lucky we’re not back in olden times - I’d-a made a necklace outta your teeth.”

” Or…we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equals. We are - hmmm! - unequals.”

“You’re actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you’re introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That’s a trauma twofer.”

“Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly’s labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One - God, Zero.”