Archive for: January 2008

“Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes?” –>

“Or…maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know…before the loneliness burns too much? Wooooo-ohhhhh! Gosh, I did enjoy that!” –>

“Jordan, here’s the plan: I’m gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening’s worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I’ve worked with her before - she has no off button.” –>

“That’s a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife - even if she’s got a full-blown case of the crazies.” –>

“Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges. Now, you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best: Knock her out, and then start digging around inside of her like a blind man looking for a nickel.” –>

“Lookit, I’d like to throw it in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain’t gonna happen either.” –>

“No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won’t have to talk to me!” –>

“Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver. Then he goes right to the Look Away. He tries to hold it back but he just can’t because there’s too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single…tear…Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!” –>

“Eh, I’m tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he’s here to remove your goatee.” –>

“Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we’re making love and I pretend you’re someone else.” –>