Category: Quips

Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren’t see ya”, then the third word will be “Oh, my God, my crotch, you’ve punched me in the crotch.”

Newsflash: you can’t drink and then come to work – you’re not airline pilots!

Nice call on the anti-seizure medication, there, Newbie. You know I’m actually starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.

I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond!

You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he’s quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right?

I mean, come on, Jordan, you haven’t let me make one decision about our son. Which is why, by the way, you’ll be doing the answering when he asks why daddy’s wee-wee doesn’t have a turtleneck on it like his.

You’re right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while. Of course, I wouldn’t know the exact number of days unless I consulted my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest.

Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you’re a blonde with big bombs and I’m a construction worker just released from prison. That clear?

I’d make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle. So just…promise me?

Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would…