Category: Season 1

You’re having a big day, there, Susan.

Whatta you say we cut to the chase? You’re dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand, and she wants us to get all kissy-face with each other — I get it, I do. But, you see, every single time I shake my magic 8 ball and ask it, Are we gonna be best friends forever?” do you know what it says?”

It’s regular-strength Tylenol! Here’s what’cha do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that’s the correct dosage.

Look! This whole groovy guidance counselor” thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I’m not that guy, you can go and ask anybody. Now, you’ve got to leave me alone, or I’ll punish you.”

It’s the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren’t having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.

I’m gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don’t overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan, himself.

I’ve. Had. Enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I’m going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak-show, take your Blah-blah” to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you’ve just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he’s drunk at the wheel.”

Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.

Write this down, newbie: If you push around a stiff, nobody’ll ask you to do anything.

I don’t wanna give you my two cents’ worth. But if you ever do wanna know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you’re an incredible pain and that every time I see your kew-pie-doll face, it just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you’ve wasted…fall out. Now laugh.