Category: Season 1

I was just now wondering if there’s anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migraine, and…there you are.

Okay. Think of what little patience I have as…oh, I don’t know…your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin — who _just_ wanted to be friends — well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of ‘About Last Night’ and a four-pack of Bartles and James and — ba-dow! hoo-hoo-hoo! — it was gone forever! …Just like my patience is now.

Well, gosh, Marjorie, aren’t you sassy today! Did Santa finally bring you the Y chromosome you always wanted?

So, in order to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names — instead, I’ll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay…you, Chicken Beak, what causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?

It’s a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it’s much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof-beats, you just go ahead and think horsies — not zebras. Mm’kay, Mr. Silly Bear?

Okay, Newbie, how’d you drop the ball on this one? And don’t tell me you cried, or I’m gonna have you banned from the men’s room again.

Whatta you say we cut to the chase? You’re dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand, and she wants us to get all kissy-face with each other — I get it, I do. But, you see, every single time I shake my magic 8 ball and ask it, Are we gonna be best friends forever?” do you know what it says?”

It’s the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren’t having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.

Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.

And you, my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much, while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs.