Category: Season 2

Oh, Perry gonna get some lovin’. Perry gonna get some lovin’. Oh, Perry gonna get some lovin’.

Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying ducky about what you say and do?

Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? ‘Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway — long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I’ve got tomorrow off. So I’m gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don’t answer every damn last one of ’em, I’m gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it’s gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off. — Big fun, right?

Ahh, such a lucky fetus!

Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey….

Listen, Newbie, I don’t tell you I respect you a lot because, well, I don’t.

All right, fair enough, here’s your chance — two identical patients. I say we divide ’em up, just like in ‘The Parent Trap’. One goes with the sexy, free-wheeling, bachelor dad — hello; the other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom — oh, just you all over.

As much as it may seem like it to me, personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are in fact not in prison. And I am just so not your bitch!

Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember, when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges, to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high like the proud little puppy that you are. Then when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it’ll be such an exciting time for you – it really will be – but for the love of God, Newbie, you gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the astroturf. Because, uh, I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?

Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it. Just start Ancef 1 gram Q 8 hours, and oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?