Category: Season 3

Gosh, I hate to interrupt this one-gal pep-rally, there, Barbie, but I give this guy two weeks — three if you are just terrific in the sack.

Oh, here I’d been told you left. It made me happy.

Honestly, I haven’t been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard…. But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth…. And…th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they’d ever seen.

Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Annika: We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it’ll be nice and fast. But for most of us it’ll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.

I’m–I’m–I’m sorry. Look, there’s a new doctor at the hospital, and she is such a relentless chore that every time she’s harping at me, I actually see your face.

Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer; don’t piss off the Janitor; end of story.

Big who cares! Not about Jack rolling over for the first time, but definitely about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time. Point being that I missed it because I was here. You might want to get a pen out and write this down, because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first. Always.

I’m afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.

Not one resident showed up. Not one. Would you like to know why? Because they’re not scared of me anymore. And I blame you. Yes. You have turned me into this soft, emotionally open, pathetic freak at home, and now it’s starting to bleed over into work.

Oh, my God. Look, Abby, I didn’t write to you asking for help. So, if you continue on down this road, you’re going to end up eating, breathing, and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind. Signed, Dealing With It On His Own in Kansas.