Category: Verbal Assassinations

197

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

My God, Newbie, it’s been two furiously frustrating years – how is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays – I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween – but our thing is that you are a little girl. That’s who you are!

354

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

Look, I honestly don’t think that going to some dive bar is necessarily appropriate for somebody who just had kidney surgery. Although, don’t get me wrong, the fact that it seems to be pissing you off so much is the true definition of an added perk. Seriously, you can – you can look it up in the dictionary. It’s under P” for “perk”. It’s right next to “pain in the ass” and, curiously enough, your picture is right next to it.”

198

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone’s clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is – oh, I don’t know – go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I’m supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God’s honest truth? And this is a fact – you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn’cha!

398

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

It’s not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it’s going to break; and if it breaks, he’s going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he’s going to need a casket. Sooo, why don’t you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.

199

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

Oh, and Nervous Guy- if I were you, I’d go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I’m gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

427

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

Look! I know the only thing you’ve ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you’re supposed to be teaching these kids. So how’s about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair!

205

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

No, you look! If someone had asked me just this morning, Is there any way that I could have less respect for you two geniuses? I would have said, No! No, that’s not possible!” But, lo and behold, you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I’m -I’m fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead, you’re gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass! Now go home. You’re not fit to work tonight.”

516

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — @ 12:00 am

(…)The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of Celibate and Spinster Way?

253

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — DRK @ 12:00 am

Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn’t care less who’s laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper No, no…no” but your eyes scream, “Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!” But when you’re dating Jordan’s sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won’t have that. So, hhhere’s the deal: Don’t want to have dinner with you. Don’t want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, “Ohh, it’s waffle time! It’s waffle time! Won’t you have some waffles of mine?”

520

Filed under: Verbal Assassinations — @ 12:00 am

Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very
delicious and filling I don’t think I’m going to be able to eat the rest of
the evening. In fact, I honestly don’t think I can have one more bite of
your painful humiliation. I find I’m just a little stuffed. Will take my
keys to go, though.

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