Category: Quips

Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I’m having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop’s heartbeat.

Holy moly! That would’ve been really embarrassing if you were black.

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.”

I love the poetry of someone putting himself way up on a pedestal and then getting knocked the hell back down into this puddle of self-hatred…with the rest of us.

In my defense, I didn’t know you were behind me because I didn’t hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.

Let’s go, Gandhi! You’re on!

But, our new patient, Mr. Franks, in here is crazy rich, so I’d imagine Big Bob will be here momentarily to make love to his moneyclip.

My turn. Have you seen how stupid you look when you do your angry quick-walk?

Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

Lookit, I don’t have time right now to be the hundred-watt bulb for your annoying little moth, so if you could just fly away, that’d be great. Just fly awa–hey….?