Category: Quips

Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants – it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there’s a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.

Jordan, he’s starting to look like a guy and I’m just not real big on kissing guys. When my father showed me affection, he would purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother.

Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake — you, right?

You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he’s quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right?

You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world. Which will make me the best baseball player in the world’s father.

Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, but…you are an amazing mom.

Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape.

Oh, great. I thought it was gonna take you a little longer, so the marching band won’t be here until this evening.

Listen, girlfriend, I don’t wanna hear your misguided romantic notions. You see, for me, sex is a sport — like racquet-ball: You play hard for a half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don’t get hit in the eye.