Category: Rants

Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month.

We are working. You see, even though we currently despise each other, we’re professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand despite the fact that she is a heartless red state” supporting , NRA backing and illegal immigrant hating self-righteous misinformed dope – essentially Karl Rove with smaller boobs.”

After twenty-five minutes, the only way I could know what you mean more is if you wrote My boyfriend doesn’t open up to me” on a big wooden mallet and repeatedly smashed me over the head with it. “

What, now that you’ve decided you’re ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I’m warning you, I bet it keeps coming up Go to hell, Shakira.”

Oh, that’s just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms, and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead’s wedding, and I got a resident who can’t do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.

Oh, I don’t know…. Maybe because the NHL is on strike and I’m not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or, maybe because for the first time in four years I’d actually like to see you happy for a change. You believe whatever you want, I don’t really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down on you, and if I were you, I’d step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues, and…invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.

I’ve seen that kid. Horrible doctor. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. Yes, I read your vampire screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn’t hate it. Here’s what you do with this Keith: Turn the heat up on his ass and he’ll make a mistake. Then bounce him out of here.

You know, you are one special lady, Carla. It’s not every wife that works a full shift, and goes home to change baby’s diapers while her husband and his girlfriend spend the weekend mooning truckers and playing slut-bug. (…)If you keep letting Gandhi do wheter he pleases when…ever he pleases, while you take care of the baby, eventually, you’re not even gonna have time to shave your legs or groove your face thus making the most prominent male figure in your daughter life…You.

Back when I was an intern, I remember the pressure being so insane that the only way I could get by was to race home and, even though my wife was already asleep, I’d gently wake her, look her in the eyes, and then I’d passive-aggressively torture her until she packed a bag and went to her mom’s place for the week.

Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I’m not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I’m damn-sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, Boy, I knew him when.” I’m doing it because if I don’t, people would die.”