Noobie’s test result came back. He’s got Vasovagal Syncope. (…)If he’s vigorously Valsalva he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla…he’d pass out when he pooes!

Jordan…the boy already lipsyncs into your tampons, must we put a final nail in this tiny gay coffin?

Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the worlds most annoying patient, what do you think your boy jesus would do? (…) He is a merciful god, is he not? Just tell her I’m still working, I have no idea what time I’m going to get off and just […]

I don’t want to go home. Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester, she has become a needy, bloated Behemoth with a temper as big as her tree trunk-size cankles and besides, even if I did go home, she’d probably just send me out on a food run to satiate one of her insane cravings.

You’re giving orders to me? OMG, Barboo, you make me want to LOL. I just discovered text messaging. I know i’m a little late to the game, but that doesn’t mean that you’re any less of a G.A.B.P.I.T.A.W.M.W. number 2 D.” Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes me Want to Die.”

A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I’ll tell you what, my friend, unless you’re also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I’m afraid the answer is yeah…no! Here’s a–here’s a novel idea: Why […]

A coffee place in a hospital? What’s next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it’ll be a perfect place for kids — one of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly […]

She’s mad. But she can’t give me the silent treatment because she knows I’d actually love that, so she’s giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide treatment.

And did you tell him not since the late ‘eighties when you were trying to make it as an actress”?”

Oh, that’s the vagina of a 35-year-old Latina woman.