Category: Quips

The man’s 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn’t even know we’re here. He is inches from Carla’s rack and he hasn’t even flinched.

Nice call on the anti-seizure medication, there, Newbie. You know I’m actually starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.

But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I’m expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.

Not until people start chanting my name so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Capisce? You see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing? Well, it runs on props, so I’m going to need to hear it. Come now.

And the category is… ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning. Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please? Go! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning, Simpson becoming Alba-Simpson…

And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week is basically…, well, it’s the most fun I can have without being forced to cuddle afterwards.

Look, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.

I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy – now I don’t care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!

Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants – it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there’s a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.