Category: Quips

Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would…

Shower Shortz?

Jordan, here’s the plan: I’m gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening’s worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one – I’ve worked with her before – she has no off button.

Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it’s all not some crazy dream?

Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage and from what I’ve heard it just might be the best part of being a parent.

Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore. The whole I’m sorry for your loss” thing was a little Hallmark-y for me, but darn it all if you’re not showing just a ton of promise!”

Boy, that’s a great story, really. And I’m sure you were just a horrible big brother.

I’d wash up, but I’m afraid to go in our bathroom.

Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don’t you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I’d Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave Ya by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face…of the Year.

But since she brought you into the world, I do have a message for her uterus. Bad uterus! Don’t do that anymore.