Well, gosh, Marjorie, aren’t you sassy today! Did Santa finally bring you the Y chromosome you always wanted?

Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.

All right, bring it in here, you knuckle-heads. Come on, take a knee if you need to, you confound-its. I have been on since midnight — so I stand here with my usual level of contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having thirteen cups of Nurse Roberts’ piss-poor excuse for […]

I want you to start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in Bed 23 — now that’s a tricky bastard, he’s tried to die five times on me already today. Keep an eye on him.!

Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.

Enggghhh! That’s the noise I make when somebody lies to me.

So, in order to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names — instead, I’ll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay…you, Chicken Beak, what causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?

It’s a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it’s much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof-beats, you just go ahead and think horsies — not zebras. Mm’kay, Mr. Silly Bear?

Okay, Newbie, how’d you drop the ball on this one? And don’t tell me you cried, or I’m gonna have you banned from the men’s room again.

Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn’t mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do