And you, my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much, while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs.

if you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside you, what would that look like? How would that go?

if I ask you a question that doesn’t specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don’t want you to answer. Do you understand?

It’s my hair, if it even gets damp, it frizzes out and becomes wildly unmanageable.

believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing cou-hould not be worse.

Now listen, even though I am in the best shape of my life — and I am, by the way…I mean, fact of the matter is you could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you…if you wanted to.

I love the part right before we start hating each other.

Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on which you’re leaning against. Of course, then you’d be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know! Here, it’s a conundrum. […]

Whoa, there, Curly. I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this: —- Wanna have a drink sometime?

Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?