Whoa, there, Curly. I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this: —- Wanna have a drink sometime?

Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I’m aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it’d be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won’t be. What you’ve got to do, […]

Oh, dear Lord, please make it stop.

Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone, or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you could carry around the hospital and just cry your sad eyes out into whenever drama occures.

if I ask you a question that doesn’t specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don’t want you to answer. Do you understand?

It’s my hair, if it even gets damp, it frizzes out and becomes wildly unmanageable.

believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing cou-hould not be worse.

Now listen, even though I am in the best shape of my life — and I am, by the way…I mean, fact of the matter is you could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you…if you wanted to.

I love the part right before we start hating each other.

Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on which you’re leaning against. Of course, then you’d be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know! Here, it’s a conundrum. […]