All right, Clara, you can go ahead and order yourself a Cosmopolitan; we’ll just grab a cab home.

Feelings.” That’s a good one.”

Well, gosh, Newbie, I don’t know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn’t have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don’t know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is […]

Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

Hey, junior, cry me a river. My dance card is full-up, too.

Hey, don’t be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You’re only human, baby, and everybody does, anyway.

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.”

What’s up, porn star?

Ahhh, sorry to interrupt you, there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born — nay, spawned” — by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat-bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can’t just let two good nurses go on […]

Mmm. And sassy, too. If you could cook a steak, I’d eat it right off your bottom!