Congratulations! Your Dimaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well!

They hate you, Bob. They hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.

Okay, here’s the deal. If we’re gonna beat this thing, and we damn sure are, we’re gonna do it one way and one way only. We’re gonna be a team! We’re gonna be a team, team, team, team, team! You hear me?

All right, Clara, you can go ahead and order yourself a Cosmopolitan; we’ll just grab a cab home.

Feelings.” That’s a good one.”

Well, gosh, Newbie, I don’t know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn’t have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don’t know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is […]

Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

Hey, junior, cry me a river. My dance card is full-up, too.

Hey, don’t be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You’re only human, baby, and everybody does, anyway.

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.”