Look, Britney, recently I made the potentially fatal mistake of getting back together with my ex-wife who, angel that she is, is carrying the spawn of another man’s seed. So, forgive me if I sound a tad irritable when I tell you, I don’t care what piece of irrelevant drivel you picked off TV while […]

Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan; Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. Okay! That was a treat, wasn’t it? Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

Oh, my God, Sabrina. You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me!

Oh, Perry gonna get some lovin’. Perry gonna get some lovin’. Oh, Perry gonna get some lovin’.

Oh, just not smart. Even for you.

Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out!

What, now that you’ve decided you’re ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I’m warning you, I bet it keeps coming up Go to hell, Shakira.”

Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I’m not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I’m damn-sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, Boy, I knew him when.” I’m doing it because if I don’t, people would die.”

So, you went over to your friend’s” house, and cried on his shoulder — boo-hoo, wah — and you, of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable, and blah…blah…blah…nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God’s name do you listen to this crap all day long?”

Ahhh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn’t I? That _wonderful_ time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don’t you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxie about the naught-aye!