Word to the wise, there, Astro: Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning. Because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little passive-aggressive aside, I’m going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the world’s brightest spotlight on it for the […]

One hundred free booger suckers – and you’ll say nothing.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, Scooby! A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Hoo, hoo! Can’t tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way.

No, honey, the reason we’re late is that you took forever to get ready. That’s what happens when you’re vain!

This is one of those very small windows when I’m borderline interested in your life. So, what’s the deal?

What’s the deal, there, Gandhi? Are you gonna be a bride?

All right, fair enough, here’s your chance — two identical patients. I say we divide ’em up, just like in ‘The Parent Trap’. One goes with the sexy, free-wheeling, bachelor dad — hello; the other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom — oh, just you all over.

Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair! What are you, feeling like you finally took on the old man in a game of one-on-one and kicked his ass? Well, here’s the news-flash, there, Skeetch: It was a fluke!

Ahh, such a lucky fetus!

You know, Eunice, you never even woulda made that catch if you weren’t such an all-purpose nerd, sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching some medical special on TV!