I want you to start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in Bed 23 — now that’s a tricky bastard, he’s tried to die five times on me already today. Keep an eye on him.!

All right, bring it in here, you knuckle-heads. Come on, take a knee if you need to, you confound-its. I have been on since midnight — so I stand here with my usual level of contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having thirteen cups of Nurse Roberts’ piss-poor excuse for […]

Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.

Well, gosh, Marjorie, aren’t you sassy today! Did Santa finally bring you the Y chromosome you always wanted?

Everyone, we can all relax now — the planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people.

Okay. Think of what little patience I have as…oh, I don’t know…your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin — who _just_ wanted to be friends — well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy […]

I was just now wondering if there’s anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migraine, and…there you are.

Nobody talk, just drink.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.