Mr. Corman, you’re not even feeling bad! You don’t need this scan! If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do the exact same thing we’ve done the last fifty times you’ve been in here — take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal. It’s your basic Ah, […]

Listen, there, scrub-brush, it just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint. And besides, as a fellow abusive drinker, you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.

I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking invasive and often pointless tests is an unholy sin.

Yes, Bob, those pants do make you look like you’re holding water.

I hope this won’t be awkward for ya, but I promised the whole band you’d have sex with them.

If I actually enjoyed being miserable, then why wouldn’t I stay here talking to you two?

Oh, don’t even start, Tarla, or Curk, or whatever you’re calling this little two-headed judgmental freak-show. Why don’t I do a little piece for you I like to call Your First Year of Marriage: I do.” Oh, kiss, kiss, kiss. “Why can’t we have a baby?” “Why you spending so much money on clothes?” “Why […]

We’re so close, and yet if anybody asks if we’re married, all either one of us can say is – is no.

Look, I honestly don’t think that going to some dive bar is necessarily appropriate for somebody who just had kidney surgery. Although, don’t get me wrong, the fact that it seems to be pissing you off so much is the true definition of an added perk. Seriously, you can – you can look it up […]

Ah, don’t bother with that, Trish. You know, I’ve been getting my hair cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns? A little, yes. […]