Okay. Think of what little patience I have as…oh, I don’t know…your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin — who _just_ wanted to be friends — well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy […]

I was just now wondering if there’s anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migraine, and…there you are.

Nobody talk, just drink.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don’t show.

You know I did get the memo Bob, and at first I just threw it away. But then I decided that wasn’t a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket and then I invited […]

Now, you can have this thing back anytime you want. You’re gonna have to bark like a dog, though.

Oh, great. I thought it was gonna take you a little longer, so the marching band won’t be here until this evening.

Listen, Super Girl: I’m gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.

Back when I was an intern, I remember the pressure being so insane that the only way I could get by was to race home and, even though my wife was already asleep, I’d gently wake her, look her in the eyes, and then I’d passive-aggressively torture her until she packed a bag and went […]