And bam! The shine’s off the apple. And that’s when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn’t a pretty little girl at all. No, she’s a man-eater. And I’m not talking about the whoa-whoa, here she comes” kind of man-eater. I’m talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a […]

I love the part right before we start hating each other.

Now listen, even though I am in the best shape of my life — and I am, by the way…I mean, fact of the matter is you could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you…if you wanted to.

believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing cou-hould not be worse.

What’s up, porn star?

Ahhh, sorry to interrupt you, there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born — nay, spawned” — by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat-bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can’t just let two good nurses go on […]

Mmm. And sassy, too. If you could cook a steak, I’d eat it right off your bottom!

Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage and from what I’ve heard it just might be the best part of being a parent.

Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I’m aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it’d be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won’t be. What you’ve got to do, […]

Oh, dear Lord, please make it stop.