Let’s break down the kid’s support system, shall we? He has me, an emotionally-crippled narcissist; and, he’s got you, an emotionally-crippled narcissist who’s soaking in a tub which by now has to be mostly your own urine.

Come on, marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren’t married, and we’re getting along great.

I apologize. I am a horse’s ass.

Carla scares me, okay? She may be small, but she has very powerful legs.

Can we at least have sex?

Say the word and I’ll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe; and to pay for it we’ll just sell one of your shoes!

Listen to me! I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso!

Mr. Corman, you’re not dying of anything! Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.

I’m–I’m–I’m sorry. Look, there’s a new doctor at the hospital, and she is such a relentless chore that every time she’s harping at me, I actually see your face.

Quick question: Will my son ever stop crying?