Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble – a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. […]

Oh, and Nervous Guy- if I were you, I’d go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I’m gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone’s clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is […]

My God, Newbie, it’s been two furiously frustrating years – how is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays – I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween – but our thing […]

So, what you’re saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you’d like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But here’s the problem, Newbie: it’s not my problem.

No, you look! If someone had asked me just this morning, Is there any way that I could have less respect for you two geniuses? I would have said, No! No, that’s not possible!” But, lo and behold, you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I’m -I’m fresh out of blue […]

You know, you are being very immature! And, oh, my God! Is that guy on fire!?

Oh, from one hell to another.

Carla, you’re forcing me to say something that I prayed I’d never have to say again to another woman: Please, please, please, put down the cup of urine.

Look, Gwyneth, you’re old enough now to hear this from me: Every time I go out of my way to help you children, I get nothing but trouble. Now this is the first five-minute window I’ve had in the last week to be with my son. And I’m just not gonna have you pirouetting around […]