I just can’t believe how comfortable I’ve gotten talking to you over these last few months. I mean, look, I’d still be with my old shrink if I hadn’t cut across the park the day of the renaissance faire and realized that the man I tell my innermost secrets to likes to…likes to put on […]

Oh, that’s funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice!

Oh! I’m sorry! Are you talking? Because I’ve decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can’t hear anything that’s going on in there. But, for fairness’ sake, I’ve decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.” […]

Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon’s. May I take your order? Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?” Oh, gosh, here I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of those. But! If you have a child, maybe you’d like to try one of our Infection Meals! That’ll be seven thousand […]

Ohhh, hey Dr. Turk, you old turtle-headed pain in the ass. Aw! Dammit all, Perry, that is so not what you came down here to say! Now you’re better than that! Turn the car around!

Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you’ll donate your body to science. And I don’t mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get […]

Lookit, here’s the rule, there, porn-star: The moment her toothbrush hits your sink, you’ve got yourself a permanent roomie.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while.” Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice…I don’t even know anymore.”

Here that’s interesting. Of course, it’s gibberish, but it’s–it’s interesting nonetheless. I’m gonna go ahead and pass, and here’s why: You’re a typical surgeon, and as a rule you guys are insensitive and egotistical and you have the sense of humor of about a fourth grader.

God help me, Sluggo, if you get any more buff, I’ll be absolutely sure that you’re gay!