Morning, class. As residency director, it is my pleasure to have both Surgical and Medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room we have enough brain power to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of […]

I didn’t do anything. No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing. And right then, I figured out what’s different. I figured out what that feeling was that I was having in the park the other day with my family. I’m…happy. Now does that not just make you sick?

But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I’m expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.

You know, Carla, I gotta say your–your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.

Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.

Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you’re lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped ‘Queer Eye’ guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the […]

I–I know what you’re thinking, believe me, I…I do: Why in the world would a civilized, up-town man of the millennium such as myself even go ahead and give a good rat’s ass about whether a bunch of snot-nosed baby docs were afraid of him. Right? Well, unfortunately the only way I know how to […]

First off, let me just say…thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let’s face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies. And that […]

So I…I’m pretty much thinking it’s time to get the fear back. And I’m sorry, but I think life is just too short to spend your time working someplace where people don’t crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.

Not one resident showed up. Not one. Would you like to know why? Because they’re not scared of me anymore. And I blame you. Yes. You have turned me into this soft, emotionally open, pathetic freak at home, and now it’s starting to bleed over into work.