Honestly, I haven’t been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard…. But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth…. And…th-the paramedics said it was one […]

I don’t know what you’re talking about, there, butch. I don’t know if you’re sucking up to me or making a pass at me, but I say you skip it and we continue in our state of mutual disdain.

Relax, Newbie, the gimp is chained up.

I think that your fiancé is a self-involved, bobble-headed jock itch who is not good enough for you. Not now, not ever.

Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn’t care less who’s laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper No, no…no” but your eyes scream, “Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!” But when you’re dating Jordan’s sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of […]

I’m about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting.

Okay! Now, just because Jordan thinks it’s cute that you’re violating her little sister doesn’t mean that you can use my guest-room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades.

No. Well…yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don’t think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the win” column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along […]

I don’t wanna see you around here anymore, okay?

You told ’em this exact same story and bored ’em to death?