Category: Rants

Look, Newbie, if you leave this hospital knowing only one thing — and, God save me, it seems like there’s a pretty good chance that just might happen — let that one thing be this: that medicine is a collaborative effort. And that means that your opinion is just as important as mine. So, let’s see if you got the gobstoppers to take the lead. Be me!

Lookit, it’s just that aortic dissections are a doctor’s worst nightmare. If you don’t catch ‘em early, there’s about a ninety percent mortality rate. I mean, honestly, unless your patient was lucky enough to trip and fall into a CAT-scan machine, he wasn’t gonna have a happy ending. Newbie, we didn’t have a chance on this one.

Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom, but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts walking the hospitals every year with their aches, and their pains, and their spasms, and their cramps, and their myalgia, and their neuralgia, and their otalgia, and their every other -algia they can possibly think of just so they can get a fix.

You’re more interested in being right than doing what’s right! And I just couldn’t take it! Can’t take it anymore!

Look, I like you…so here’s some advice: Never, ever do anything with Bob Kelso. Don’t talk to him, don’t look at him, don’t even associate with guys his age on the outside chance that they just shared a steam together in that never ending Klan meeting that they call a country club”; right? He is…pure evil”

Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won’t have to deal with problems like this? Because I’m seriously considering taking that hit. I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don’t spoon, I’m not a spooner.

In the brief eighteen months that Jordan and I weren’t together, how many of you had your way with her? Bear in mind, I’m gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you. – Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position…it’s long overdue, but thank you.

Feel free to take notes. Alright there Blossom, here’s the hot gossip. You’re having seizures again because you’re not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be dead… and I’m not talking about the oh my God, if I don’t get invited to the prom I’m going to die” type of dead I’m talking, dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it’s not I could of course text you on my Blackberry, or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically Chuck Berry is a black berry. The point is you gotta to stop wasting everybody’s time and grow up, is that clear to you sweetheart?”

Sooooo Linz-o, ha h-it must be kind of cool having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan. Gosh, she’s super-cool. Just between you, me and the I.V. I guess I’ve probably seen Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” oh, I don’t know, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8-9 times ha h- what a film. Whew!”

No, Carla, men don’t love that. It turns out we don’t love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so that we can relax, and as always we’re not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is The Chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.