Category: Rants

You know, Bob, I’ve been thinking about all the times that you’ve manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can’t help but recall that children’s fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while.” Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice…I don’t even know anymore.”

Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won’t have to deal with problems like this? Because I’m seriously considering taking that hit. I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don’t spoon, I’m not a spooner.

So he’s green. Don’t beat yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he’s gotten stitches, cut his own hair, and eaten over four dollars in change. Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don’t I?

Oh yes, the huddled masses. Carla! I see you’re trying one of this etablishment disgusting new tomato muffin. Do you know who elses just love tomatoes? Our little orange friends, Mr Mehleison. As you correctly pointed out, the only thing he like more than tomatoes are carrots. And if carrots turn you yellow and tomato turn you red, what color would he most likely turn if he would have gorge himself on both those items. (…)Correct. And Gandhi, I understand that you are confuse why private practice Barbie has a beef with you and your scorning little life partner. (…)Yes but even though that horny old raisin is acting like an ass in doing so, he actualy aknowledging that she’s ready to move on professionnaly. Guess who hasn’t aknowledged that? (…) Dear god, Barbie we get the point. This roughly be my time. Now newbie, as far as your patient is concerned. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, ever heard of it? (…) Takotsubo cardiomyopathy also known as broken heart syndrom is one severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle. On her chart, you indicate that she was single, yet I noticed that she was still wearing her wedding ring. Turns out her husband has just died and she wasn’t ready to take the ring of yet. I’m betting that her grief over his passing is what cause her heart failure. And no, no, I’m not superman, I’m just Dr Cox. Thanks for the coffee.

You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end — gosh, I’m sure you remember what happened, Bob — the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine’s calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It’s a…disturbing children’s book, Bob, I know, but it’s one that stuck with me, nonetheless

Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon’s. May I take your order? Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?” Oh, gosh, here I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of those. But! If you have a child, maybe you’d like to try one of our Infection Meals! That’ll be seven thousand dollars, please pay at the second window.”

In the brief eighteen months that Jordan and I weren’t together, how many of you had your way with her? Bear in mind, I’m gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you. – Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position…it’s long overdue, but thank you.

All right, listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla. That includes you, Mrs. London. I will save your life. Then I will take it away. Let’s get to work. Lonnie… are you looking at me again?

I don’t want to go home. Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester, she has become a needy, bloated Behemoth with a temper as big as her tree trunk-size cankles and besides, even if I did go home, she’d probably just send me out on a food run to satiate one of her insane cravings.