Category: Rants

All right, bring it in here, you knuckle-heads. Come on, take a knee if you need to, you confound-its. I have been on since midnight — so I stand here with my usual level of contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having thirteen cups of Nurse Roberts’ piss-poor excuse for coffee passing pretty much straight through me. The not-so-hidden message being, of course, that if you screw up today, I’m gonna hit ya hard! I’m gonna hit ya fast! Now then, I think some of you may have noticed that all twenty-seven of the patients that were here in the I.C.U. when I started last night are still alive; and I damn-sure intend for them to still be breathing when I get the hell out of here at midnight. I think you understand what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.

I need you to extubate the young fellow in 304 and start an insulin drip on Mrs. Adler for the third time this month — God bless diabetics who continue to drink — oh, and Lassie! In response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I’ve decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl’s name and instead I’m gonna be referring to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I’ve gone with Lassie” because, of course, that satisfies the criteria of being both a girl and a dog’s name, thus helping you ease into the transition.”

May I ask you something, there, Judy? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have three angry, under-fed women tear you several new ones for a full hour?

Wouldn’t have mattered, Jordan. You know why? Because I am always right. It’s something my…my old pal, Gandhi here, knows a little something about, because, you see, we are both egotistical peas in a giant narcissistic pod. And, to prove my point, I’m gonna go ahead and make a unnecessarily showy but undeniably impressive exit. Rope time, Gandhi.

You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short. (…) For the next 20 minutes,
you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of sports. On September 25, 1926…

We are short staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut-monkeys for some psychologist’s research project — give me a break — which means, of course, you won’t be helping patients. Instead…oh, you’ll be blabbering about your feelings and what it’s like working in the hospital, and how that affects your personal lives…and: Wah. Wah. Wah.

Hey, Carla, would you be good enough to take this young gentleman back to his room in Pediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD. I’ll tell you what, there, Ralphie: They sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, you know what I’m saying?

Well done, there, Bobbo. When my patients ask me where I was all afternoon, I’ll just tell them I was too busy attending this ridiculous chat-fest with you and Dr. What’s-He-Over-Compensating-For? here.

Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that’s not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we’ve been going over for three straight days. Now, come on, we’re both in a position to get some good news here: You’re gonna feel better, and I’m gonna get the world’s most annoying patient the hell out of my hair. Plus, you’re in a bonus situation – I hand-picked the surgeon that you’re going to be torturing.

Don’t sweat it. All right, gather around. Here we go. Now, I’m sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this. But as we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I’m going to give kudos in whisper form. Since I’m an egomaniac, first props come to me. Let me hear it, people. (…) This was not a complete and total solo effort. It was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you. (…) And why are you not giddy with praise like those people? Don’t you know I dole out compliments, at most, once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather up these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.