Category: Rants

I…hate…Robert Kelso. I hate his family, I hate his friends, I hate the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey; in fact, I hate anybody who ever even associates with him. Is that clear?

There is no one I hate more than that Medusa — she is everything that’s wrong with medicine. And even knowing that she’s in the hospital makes me want to tear someone’s head off.

I didn’t do anything. No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing. And right then, I figured out what’s different. I figured out what that feeling was that I was having in the park the other day with my family. I’m…happy. Now does that not just make you sick?

No, Carla, men don’t love that. It turns out we don’t love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so that we can relax, and as always we’re not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is The Chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.

Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month.

We are working. You see, even though we currently despise each other, we’re professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand despite the fact that she is a heartless red state” supporting , NRA backing and illegal immigrant hating self-righteous misinformed dope – essentially Karl Rove with smaller boobs.”

After twenty-five minutes, the only way I could know what you mean more is if you wrote My boyfriend doesn’t open up to me” on a big wooden mallet and repeatedly smashed me over the head with it. “

What, now that you’ve decided you’re ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I’m warning you, I bet it keeps coming up Go to hell, Shakira.”

Oh, that’s just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms, and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead’s wedding, and I got a resident who can’t do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.

Oh, I don’t know…. Maybe because the NHL is on strike and I’m not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or, maybe because for the first time in four years I’d actually like to see you happy for a change. You believe whatever you want, I don’t really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down on you, and if I were you, I’d step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues, and…invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.