Category: Quips

And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week is basically…, well, it’s the most fun I can have without being forced to cuddle afterwards.

Look, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.

I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy – now I don’t care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!

Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants – it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there’s a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.

Jordan, he’s starting to look like a guy and I’m just not real big on kissing guys. When my father showed me affection, he would purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother.

Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake — you, right?

You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he’s quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right?

You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world. Which will make me the best baseball player in the world’s father.