Category: Quips

if you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside you, what would that look like? How would that go?

Are you actually saying you enjoy telling people their spouses are going to die?

I’d make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle. So just…promise me?

So you haven’t noticed that my supporting cast in this theater of hell, is a veritable who’s who of incompetent puppets.

That’s a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife – even if she’s got a full-blown case of the crazies.

Excuse me, does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebies? Because these two just gave me a big old scoop of the heebies. Seriously, it cannot just be me. I want to hear from the audience. I do. Dating in the workplace. She’s the boss. He’s the pretty intern. Tell me what’s bugging you. Courage. (…) Gloria, telling it like it smells. I’m proud of you. Barbie, who hurt you?

Now listen, even though I am in the best shape of my life — and I am, by the way…I mean, fact of the matter is you could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you…if you wanted to.

When you speak of this — and I know you will — could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless

Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would…

Shower Shortz?