Category: Season 5

Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we’re making love and I pretend you’re someone else.

Hey, look at what we have here. A representation of how alcohol affects different ages. We have the young…the slightly older…the slightly older still…and last, the very, very, very old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.Jor-da-roo! Jor-da-licious! Jor-da-roni! Ha-ha!

You couldn’t push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like GI Joe’s nether regions. By the by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack, who has been yanking pants off toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I’m cranky and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you: The fool. I’m done suffering you, so go now. Go. Go, before you can write a book entitled: Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass – The Lester Hedrick Story.

Something horrible just happened.

Don’t need the visual of old men with erections.

Could I, uh, could I have everybody’s attention, please. Jordan’s pregnant. [Talking in high-pitched voice] No. But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. We were, but my vasectomy didn’t take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. [High-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. [Regular voice] Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? [High-pitched voice] Oh, I’m any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and l or any baby-related issues. [Regular voice] Isn’t that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation”.”

Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver. Then he goes right to the Look Away. He tries to hold it back but he just can’t because there’s too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single…tear…Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!

Joanna, now I’m not much for this sensitive crap. But darn it all, you’ve found someone who’s willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

Please don’t make me go out with Barbie and, yes, I know it’s too easy, Ken.