Category: Season 5

Bob, I’m not planning on doing any paperwork. But I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver’s side car door.

Because you’re an attending now. And that doesn’t just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys, and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the past couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings kill us up here. Newbie, I couldn’t tell you about Kellerman ’cause I don’t know what kind of attending you’re gonna be.

Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists – I’m gonna put a plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can’t drive me crazy. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t! Heh. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn’t work from the inside, which simply means that if we’re in a fiery crash, you won’t be able to get out. However, that’s a risk I’m sure willing to take.

Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we’re making love and I pretend you’re someone else.

Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver. Then he goes right to the Look Away. He tries to hold it back but he just can’t because there’s too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single…tear…Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!

Or…maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know…before the loneliness burns too much? Wooooo-ohhhhh! Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes?

We’re also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.

You go do that. And I’ll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we’ll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm’kay?

Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother’s grave, thought your real name was Carol.