Category: Rants

Come on, come on, come on, Jordan. I am so sorry everything fell apart today, honest-to-God, I am. But I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow, Dr. Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite so that you can go ahead and have that story-book, drug-addled, Pitocin-induced pregnancy that you’ve always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. But, in the meantime, you’ve gotta cut me a little slack. I mean, come on, it’s not like I see the real father running around here, busting his hump.

Yes, Newbie, I’m having a tough day. And of course I’d love to head home, but Jordan’s satanic brood has taken over my apartment and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.

Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know I’m not one to toot my own horn, but, uh…beep, beep.

You can count on me, Bobbo! Here’s the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory best doctor in the city” date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I’m thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let’s see who that monkey’s gonna be. (…) Rex it is. Have a great night. You’re in very capable nine-fingered hands.”

Well, now, Gandhi, since you don’t grasp the fact that I think you’re incompetent, ladies and gentlemen, pay attention please: presenting the world’s longest Shoosh”. Mmh…Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m goin’ to go ahead and…stop. I’m not committing the way I normally do. When you go away I’ll regroup, maybe see you later.”