Category: Quips

That’s a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife – even if she’s got a full-blown case of the crazies.

Excuse me, does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebies? Because these two just gave me a big old scoop of the heebies. Seriously, it cannot just be me. I want to hear from the audience. I do. Dating in the workplace. She’s the boss. He’s the pretty intern. Tell me what’s bugging you. Courage. (…) Gloria, telling it like it smells. I’m proud of you. Barbie, who hurt you?

Now listen, even though I am in the best shape of my life — and I am, by the way…I mean, fact of the matter is you could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you…if you wanted to.

When you speak of this — and I know you will — could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless

Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would…

Shower Shortz?

Jordan, here’s the plan: I’m gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening’s worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one – I’ve worked with her before – she has no off button.

Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it’s all not some crazy dream?

Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage and from what I’ve heard it just might be the best part of being a parent.

Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore. The whole I’m sorry for your loss” thing was a little Hallmark-y for me, but darn it all if you’re not showing just a ton of promise!”