Category: Quips

“If Jordan were conscious, she’d… she’d agree. Now who put that fake arrow through her head? Huh? Which one of ya? It was me. I did it.”

“I’m a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.”
–>

“Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape.”

“Jordan, he’s starting to look like a guy and I’m just not real big on kissing guys. When my father showed me affection, he would purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.”

–>

“And the category is… ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning. Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please? Go! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning, Simpson becoming Alba-Simpson…”

–>

“Well, I suppose it’s because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and…slimy.” –>

“You’re actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you’re introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That’s a trauma twofer.” –>

“Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly’s labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One - God, Zero.” –>

“Everyone, this is my sister, Paige. Paige, I’d like you to meet random people I don’t care about.” –>

“Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I’ll just tell him it’s all a lie when he gets home so he doesn’t have any of those crazy nightmares.” –>