Category: Rants

“A coffee place in a hospital? What’s next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it’ll be a perfect place for kids — one of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!” –>

“She’s mad. But she can’t give me the silent treatment because she knows I’d actually love that, so she’s giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide treatment.” –>

“Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to — by law — remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don’t see the downside.” –>

“Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you? (…) It means that I was just working out — which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as “me time.” Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I’m here, and I’m totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.” –>

“Don’t sweat it. All right, gather around. Here we go. Now, I’m sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this. But as we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I’m going to give kudos in whisper form. Since I’m an egomaniac, first props come to me. Let me hear it, people. (…) This was not a complete and total solo effort. It was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you. (…) And why are you not giddy with praise like those people? Don’t you know I dole out compliments, at most, once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather up these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.”
–>

“You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short. (…) For the next 20 minutes,
you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of sports. On September 25, 1926…”

–>

“You can count on me, Bobbo! Here’s the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory “best doctor in the city” date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I’m thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let’s see who that monkey’s gonna be. (…) Rex it is. Have a great night. You’re in very capable nine-fingered hands.”

“That’s Keith? That kid’s the best intern we’ve got. I’d like to bronze him, turn my office into a Keith-edral and convert to Keith-stianity. And FYI, I still want my pen back.”
–>

“I’ve seen that kid. Horrible doctor. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. Yes, I read your vampire screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn’t hate it. Here’s what you do with this Keith: Turn the heat up on his ass and he’ll make a mistake. Then bounce him out of here.”
–>

“Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month.”
–>