Category: Rants

Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever — gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ’cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down.

Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I’m aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it’d be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won’t be. What you’ve got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they *so* belong!

Well, gosh, Newbie, I don’t know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn’t have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don’t know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn’t feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that’s fine because here it is: You’re a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it.

You know, Bob, I’ve been thinking about all the times that you’ve manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can’t help but recall that children’s fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates.

You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end — gosh, I’m sure you remember what happened, Bob — the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine’s calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It’s a…disturbing children’s book, Bob, I know, but it’s one that stuck with me, nonetheless

You’re gonna love this one! Twenty-five-year-old woman — dancer, actually…well, not anymore, I’m afraid we have to take both of her legs — bilateral gangrene — and seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancer’s union probably is not gonna cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won’t be able to stay here with us for her rehab.

You see Dr. Wen in there? He’s explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He’s gonna tell them what happened, he’s gonna say he’s sorry, and then he’s going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves, that’s why we make jokes. We don’t do it because it’s fun — we do it so we can get by…and sometimes because it’s fun. But mostly it’s the getting by thing.

There is no one I hate more than that Medusa — she is everything that’s wrong with medicine. And even knowing that she’s in the hospital makes me want to tear someone’s head off.

What, now that you’ve decided you’re ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I’m warning you, I bet it keeps coming up Go to hell, Shakira.”

Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I’m not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I’m damn-sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, Boy, I knew him when.” I’m doing it because if I don’t, people would die.”