Category: Rants

“A coffee place in a hospital? What’s next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it’ll be a perfect place for kids — one of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!”

“She’s mad. But she can’t give me the silent treatment because she knows I’d actually love that, so she’s giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide treatment.”

“Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to — by law — remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don’t see the downside.”

“Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you? (…) It means that I was just working out — which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as “me time.” Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I’m here, and I’m totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.”

“Could I, uh, could I have everybody’s attention, please. Jordan’s pregnant. [Talking in high-pitched voice] No. But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. We were, but my vasectomy didn’t take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. [High-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. [Regular voice] Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? [High-pitched voice] Oh, I’m any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and l or any baby-related issues. [Regular voice] Isn’t that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the “Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation”.”

“You know, son, as a doctor, I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people’s poop. And I’m not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old. Now that’s, that’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies. Besides, you’re gonna do the same thing for me some day real soon. And yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and that time Wayne Gretzky said, “What’s up” to me in line at the bank, you out of diapers is the best thing that’s ever happened. It truly is. Now why don’t you go into your room and play for a little while because we’re going to celebrate grown-up style.”

“Well, it’s no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I’d liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges, throw them at guys wearing phones clipped to their heads. It’s a phone. You can’t do this? However, it is not Dr. Briggs’ fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. That’s not the answer you thought you’d hear, but as always, I don’t care.”

“I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. I realized that that tactic would never work, as I’d be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only there’d be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best. Is there a reason you’re still near me?”

“She didn’t come to the hospital for help. We bumped into her out here in the world. Don’t get me wrong. If a guy gets shot or if he has a heart attack and I am physically the closest doctor to him, I will intervene. Shy of that, you can’t. I mean, you just can’t. It’s too much to ask yourself. (…) Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren’t your fault, my friend, that’s a slippery slope you can’t come back from. I’ve seen it ruin a lot of good doctors, and I will not let it happen to you.”

“Don’t sweat it. All right, gather around. Here we go. Now, I’m sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this. But as we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I’m going to give kudos in whisper form. Since I’m an egomaniac, first props come to me. Let me hear it, people. (…) This was not a complete and total solo effort. It was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you. (…) And why are you not giddy with praise like those people? Don’t you know I dole out compliments, at most, once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather up these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.”