Category: Rants

“I was talking to you ladies. Newbie, listen to me. You never stop being annoyed by the little things. Take Gandhi here. Your wife is the bossiest woman I’ve ever met. Are you trying to tell me that you’re not bothered by that?”
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“I am just sick and tired of having to live up to everyone’s expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs. London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean, honestly, Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much. It’s not just here. It’s home. Jordan expects me to be this amazing, sensitive father.”

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“All right, listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla. That includes you, Mrs. London. I will save your life. Then I will take it away. Let’s get to work. Lonnie… are you looking at me again?”
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“So he’s green. Don’t beat yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he’s gotten stitches, cut his own hair, and eaten over four dollars in change. Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don’t I?” –>

“There-there are actually many things in life that I’ve yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why - and I’m not complaining - women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds it makes them do this: Get back in there!But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out - and soon - is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they’re falling from the sky.” –>

” Because I told him to. And I know what you’re thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I’ve invited Laverne’s church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.” –>

“Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, “Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!” That being said, it’s my obligation to let you in on the organization’s one and only bylaw: We’re men. The women are men. The children are men. The men - of course - men! So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I’m going to take one from you.” –>

“Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don’t know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne’er-do-well who drained your retirement nest-egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.” –>

“I cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. It’s the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, it’s the reason that she is borderline attracted to you, and it’s the reason she so desperately wants to marry you. Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you’re the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don’t believe that?” –>

“Lookit, I know what you’re doing in there. You think that if you act like Dr. Sad Sack that the patient’s gonna opt out of surgery and I’ll have to spend yet another week with a man who has such an unnatural attachment to his gallbladder that, left to his own devices, he would rent a motel room and have sex with it. Now come on, I need you to sling that “I’m gonna get freaky-deeky with my chizzle and–and slizzle up the dizzle for my…bee-aye…yitch” stuff that, you know, you do so well.” –>