Category: Season 2

All right, fair enough, here’s your chance — two identical patients. I say we divide ’em up, just like in ‘The Parent Trap’. One goes with the sexy, free-wheeling, bachelor dad — hello; the other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom — oh, just you all over.

As much as it may seem like it to me, personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are in fact not in prison. And I am just so not your bitch!

Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember, when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges, to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high like the proud little puppy that you are. Then when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it’ll be such an exciting time for you – it really will be – but for the love of God, Newbie, you gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the astroturf. Because, uh, I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?

Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it. Just start Ancef 1 gram Q 8 hours, and oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?

If I’m not back in twenty minutes, I don’t want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home.

in the history of medicine, there’s never actually been a patient that depressing. I made it up! Come on, now, Barbie; you keep going down this road, you’re gonna go up to the roof of this hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it’s only five stories high, so that means you’ll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I’ll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high, and are you starting to see a pattern forming here?

I guess you could take over the master bathroom. But, would you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case, when I get home, I want to take 300 of them?

Oh, ho, ho, ho, Scooby! A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Hoo, hoo! Can’t tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way.

Barbie, as long as you stay and work at this hospital, I’m always gonna be your superior…. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t get me wrong, you can keep trying to connect with me; I mean, hell, you’re…you’re so damn entertaining you just might make some head-way. But still, you might be better served — and, this is a crazy notion — if you could stop worrying so much about who does and doesn’t notice…you. Even for a second…that’d be good; that’d be real good.

Well, of course, that could be because he’s shaving his dome so much lately that the hair is actually starting to grow inward — it’s an affliction commonly known as the infro.””