Category: Season 5

OK, here’s a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things
that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them, a cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk, and you walking past the food cart without referring to cream cheese as cow fudge”.”

That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth seamlessly between male and female genitalia.

Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother’s grave, thought your real name was Carol.

Are you crazy? Why would you want your wife in the gym? You don’t hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh? You go to work, she’s there. You go out, she’s there. And when you go home, where is she? Women are everywhere. Except for the gym. That’s why it’s such a magical place. Don’t ruin that. Don’t be that guy. Come on. You’re so much more than that. I’m begging you.

All right. Here’s how it’s going to work, people. I’m going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond, You are!” If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, “Popsicle you.” Now my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?”

OK, as you all know, Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you will help go through claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. How many times did I insult you during that? I was shooting for five. (…) No, Ted. She hates you. Four. Since Ted has no life, and that’s five, I’ll let him select his very own victim.

Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr Pepper’s a doctor?

Look, Newbie, there’s a reason that I can’t go the extra mile with patients. It’s something personal. I’m a good doctor. Kelly Ripa!

Could I speak with you in the stop filling my patient’s head with false hope” ward?”

Say, that’s a real nice pantsuit you have there.