Category: Season 5

My job is to make sick people better, not to help Bernie score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night.

You go do that. And I’ll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we’ll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm’kay?

You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.

Stop bugging us. I find your particular brand of psychobablry about as useful and about as effective as fairy dust.

I was calling you by a random girl’s name. Listen, please. I don’t care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.(…) I might have an answer for that. Ew! I mean, come on, children. What do you actually think is going to happen here? Do you think I’m going to take you and sit you down next to me and say, um, Listen, uh, if you need anything, you’ve got my pager. Just know that I’m there for you always”?”

OK, here’s a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things
that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them, a cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk, and you walking past the food cart without referring to cream cheese as cow fudge”.”

That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth seamlessly between male and female genitalia.

Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother’s grave, thought your real name was Carol.

Are you crazy? Why would you want your wife in the gym? You don’t hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh? You go to work, she’s there. You go out, she’s there. And when you go home, where is she? Women are everywhere. Except for the gym. That’s why it’s such a magical place. Don’t ruin that. Don’t be that guy. Come on. You’re so much more than that. I’m begging you.

All right. Here’s how it’s going to work, people. I’m going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond, You are!” If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, “Popsicle you.” Now my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?”